Dear abjection,

Had a talk today with Bart and Nikos. I'm really finding it difficult to proceed with my project. I don't know what am I researching, or what places I should work on. Or I know what place I wanna work with, but is it enough?

I went to Sinebrychoff park several times, I recorded some material there, just casual observations about the park - what more can I do with such beautiful park.

I made a note earlier, while Bart said something really nice. I was thinking of cigarettes during the whole discussion. I'm really trying to stop smoking.. My note says "What time of day, what do you drink. Smokes. Sex?" But I can't recall the actual reason or meaning in this note.. I had a date with a guy few hours after this meeting, I had to cancel it because I wanted cigarettes so bad.

I have three songs in my playlist: Morrissey - Suedehead, Bat for Lashes - All your Gold, Peter Sarsted - Where do you go to my lovely?.

I made these Sinebrychoff walks as part of my "Abjecting you! Armageddon for Honesty" video.. I think it actually accidentally made the video nice and about the themes I was interested in this workshop as well. I didn't realise it before Titta asked me, if my video was really about the cruising in the park. Was I? Or am I always?

Is this again too philosophical. What I want from my partner is some kind of nice stupidity. I'm highly attracted to stupid men, or ones who look like puppies. Masculine koiranpentus. I'm the kind of person who needs to be spanked really hard before I start working. My working processes are always really short, I don't work much. I dont produce a lot of work. This teacher of mine Harry Heyink said I should produce more to learn more - I disagree. I think I should, and everyone else also, be more observant, cleverer, cunning.
We shouldnt think too much things that are given to us maybe but focus on what is actually here and now. This kind of abjection Andrey is talking about so much - I think he likes to analyse my works.

This is so beautiful:

I want to use instagram more. And I remembered I made a video about Nikos Doulos. I made it even before I ever met him actually and I remember how me and Andrey and Titta had much fun during the lectures of this workshop talking about that video, it really is embarrassing like I told Bart and Nikos. Somethings you just wish you could undo or reveal and make nice somehow. Maybe Harry was right, maybe I could achieve better if I would work harder and think about the question he proposed: Why do you do your works? What is the point and reason or everything. I think what is rhetorical is still quite unsure to me.

Maybe I'm just writing again to produce a lot of things to discuss about. I think this playlist is very important, or I would like to highlight it more somehow.. Refer it to my working process - targets. Yes I think targets is a very important word now:
Questions to myself: What is the target of my work? How does the target change and what are the themes and fields where the target moves?

My text is now very dutch invaded, so I could also tell how much I miss Andy. I think I will go to Amsterdam in January to party with Andy. And how my pancake was swimming in a lake of alcohol.. I dont know if I should connect different parts of my thoughts, because now they are just sort of written down notes, or should I leave it to the reader. Maybe they are more intelligent, like therapists or some kind of agents.

Kindly, Artor